Honda's Ghost Part 18

It had been months and I still had no better idea what I was doing here.

I hadn’t managed to speak to the Spirit again, despite my constant vigilance I hadn’t caught him emerging.

I kept up my habit of tapping the puzzle when I greeted Yugi in the mornings. If the Spirit had killed I was almost sure it had been for a good reason. Almost sure.

I planned to talk it over with him once he was out and about, make my feelings on the subject clear.

I didn’t mind if he wanted to be Batman, but Batman never kills.

I don’t know what I would do if he was a killer.

Stop him. Or try to at least.

I circled around the topic again and again, not able to leave it alone in my mind, and with no one to discuss it with I couldn’t consider it settled.

I decided I needed to talk to him, but still my thoughts would return to the idea again and again. What could I say? Would it matter? Could I stop him if it came down to it? I honestly didn’t know, but I knew I would have to try.

At least Honda should be safe. Any Shadow Game he wished to inflict on me would likely pass Honda by.

Then there was the fact that some people were simply dangerous, that killing them might be the only way. That killing them might be the only option the Spirit had to defend himself and his friends.

It wasn’t black and white.

I knew there were so many dangers ahead of us, I couldn’t limit the Spirit from doing what must be done.

I was willing to die to protect my friends. I was willing to kill.

Could I expect any less from the Spirit?

But the thing is, was, will be... I sighed mentally. Either I trusted the Spirit or not.

If I trusted him then I had to believe that he would only kill when absolutely necessary.

Yet I barely knew him, sure I was somewhat familiar with the show, but my experiences of the past few months didn’t match up with what I knew.

I trusted Yugi and Jonouchi, that was set in stone.

Honda and Anzu as well, not to the same level, but I trusted them.

It was a rare thing before to find people I trusted, and there were always layers to my trust.

I suppose there still was, since I had yet to tell anyone about my presence, other than Honda and the Spirit, and that wasn’t a matter of trust, that was self preservation.

I suppose I’m not a very trusting person.

The thing was, I wanted to tell, I wanted to lay it all out on the table, I wanted to trust Honda’s friends, but Honda had been so opposed to the idea in the beginning, and I don’t think his opinion had changed all that much despite my attempts to persuade him.

Then there was the other thing bothering me, acceptable risks.

If I was right about what was coming, Yugi was going to save the World one day.

I suppose I could consider the challenges before hand as training runs for the real thing, except these were real life risks, there was no guarantee that Yugi would survive, and we would be put in danger again and again.

I wanted to trust the Spirit.

He was going to save the World.

That was important.

My life, what little I had left, was in danger.

My friends, these children, were in danger.

I could no more abandon them than I could fly.

I was pretty sure I couldn’t fly, and the idea of leaving, of just walking out the door and never coming back...

I turned the thought over in my mind, ignoring the tearing feeling in my heart as it screamed in denial.

I could walk away.

There was nothing that could stop me.

Honda would try.

My will against his.

It would be difficult, but not impossible. At least I didn’t think it was impossible, easier if I tricked him but that would destroy the trust between us. We hadn’t truly fought for control before. There had never been anything important enough.

I could shut him out, lock him down, assume complete control.

I don’t know how long I could last. Several hours at the very least.

I wonder if Honda had been learning any tricks to regain control, or stop me if he needed to.

I suspect he might have considered the possibility, I certainly hoped he had.

Which might have been a weird thing to hope, but I considered Honda my foil. He would at least try to stop me if I went too far.

I didn’t trust myself.

The truth slammed into me like a brick wall.

I needed someone to stop me before I went too far, before I became like the Spirit of the Ring and took total control over Honda’s life.

I wanted to, it was well within my abilities to, it was well within my power and there was a part of me that was very tempted to do just that.

But if I was going to do that, it was best that I did leave, leave and never return, for as sure as the Sun rises in the East, if I did that in sight of the Pharaoh I would be shadow gamed before I could blink.

Part of me knew behaving in such a manner would be evil. A large part.

That didn’t remove the temptation.

Part of the reason I wanted Honda’s friends to know about me is so that I didn’t go overboard. I needed a check, because so far nothing was stopping me from doing whatever I pleased.

We needed to save the World.

We needed to survive.

So the possibility of walking away was there. It was an option. Not one I planned on taking.

I couldn’t walk away, I was far too invested in these people. Walking away now would tear my still beating heart out and stomp on it.

I couldn’t live with myself.

I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the mirror if I choose to walk away.

It would be an interesting test to see how hard Honda would fight against me...

Maybe during one of the school holidays I could walk out and see how long it took Honda to stop me and get home again.

I grinned internally, that sounded like fun and would probably nuke all and any chance I had with having a affable relationship with Honda

Maybe if I let him know what I was doing first?

Not as fun, but I did have to live with the guy, he could make things difficult for me if he wanted.

Part of me delighted in making things as difficult as possible for Honda, probably the same part that wanted someone to blame.

I guess I’m never going to break the habit of spending too much time inside my head.

I had a choice, it might not seem like one, but I did have a choice. There was always a choice.

I just didn’t like the look of this one.

There was no good choice. My position was such that it was impossible to make a good choice.

No, that wasn’t entirely true, but I had no idea what the right choice would be in this situation. I was stealing time and life from my host, and while I had offered my protection, I didn’t know how effective I could be.

I was angry and upset and alone, and none of those are good reasons, but it made me want to lash out. The only thing stopping me was the fact I knew it wouldn’t help.

I didn’t know how long that was going to stop me.

I have an interesting way of dealing with anger, I ignore it until the situation improves or I explode.

I was going to explode at some point, and if I had been in a calmer state of mind that might have worried me more.

Or not as the case may be, I couldn’t find it in me to care that someone was going to get very hurt when I finally exploded.

I knew it was wrong, I knew I was angry, but I tried not to let it affect things.

I wondered if Honda noticed, but then my anger had been slowly building, with a few spikes here and there. He might not realise that my anger wasn’t the norm for me.

No. I had been angry since I arrived, there was no point protesting.

It would be so much easier if Honda was willing to tell someone. Or if I had someone to talk to.

Someone to tell me I wasn’t crazy, or maybe even someone who would....

Writing it all out wasn’t enough anymore, I was going too deep in my own head and everything was getting twisted up and I knew it, I knew I wasn’t having the right response to things anymore, I knew there was something off about my reactions, that didn’t stop me from feeling.

While I was debating, Honda was living.

I felt a spike of surprise that Hanasaki collected American comics, but quickly lost interest as the boys talked about the Zombie.

It wasn’t a hero I was interested in and Zombies made me glaze over in self defence.

Knowing the children were going to be getting nothing more dangerous than a paper cut, I decided to get some sleep.

There would be future dangers.

I could wait.

I would have to.